Reason #15: chef hats

Josh used to have the most perfect afro that I have ever set eyes upon.  It was carefully sculpted into a gentle, bulging ellipsoid.  Other than when I used to watch Mod Squad episodes as a kid, I have never had any exposure to a badass afro like Josh's.

"I wanted to wear a chef's hat." --Josh

There was a lot of pushback from his friends when he finally went ahead and got his fro locked.  Facebook was abuzz with reactions of shock and horror.  I had one person tell me, "When he turns his head quickly, I can still see the afro."

So what's Josh's reason for dreadlocks?

"I wanted to be able to wear a chef's hat," he said.  He's studying in a culinary program, and as awesome as his afro was, there is not a toque made that he could put on top without it looking ridiculous. I can't imagine how it would even work, personally: would he shove his afro up the tube, or embed that hat a few inches deep in the hair, or bobby-pin it to death on top? And how much taller than a normal human would that make him, anyway?

And it turns out that maintaining a picture-perfect afro ain't easy -- Josh was spending way more time on his hair that he wanted to be.  He described the process to me, but I'm afraid my eyes just glazed over and I was unable to grasp all the hoops he jumped through daily to make that hair of his seem like it never changed.  I was even recording the conversation, but my phone mysteriously stopped recording before we got to that part.

Eerie.

As for method, Josh got his hair braided and he is planning on just leaving it like that.

Sorry I'm late, I was doing my hair

Self-portrait experiment number 37

The myth that dreadlocks are low-maintenance has been debunked in my mind.  Well, it's probably safer to say that dreadlocks are like political campaigns:  you can put into them as much time and energy as you want to.

The other night I was late for a party because, for the first time in my life, I was held up doing my hair.

Are you kidding me?

I had a collision of priorities, namely:

1. Wash my hair
2. Wax my hair

It may seem simple enough to do both, but it can be screwed up.  I'd put off waxing for an extra week so my wife could focus more on blunting the tips (she felt she had the technique down, but wanted more time to have it on lockdown), so wax was on my mind.  Moreso it was hot and humid and a good waxing makes for a more party-ready appearance.

The washing, like the waxing, could have been put off a day without it being disastrous.  I'm more likely to err on the side of caution when it comes to hygiene, though, particularly since this is my first summer with matted coils of hair on my head.

So I showered, and washed my hair, and only then did I realize that I didn't have the time to let the locks air-dry.  I got busy blow-drying the hell out of them, but this was no time to be forced to master patience!  I hadn't budgeted for that extra time.

After wringing, toweling, shaking, and hot-air drying for longer than I wanted to I gave up with the locks damp, and set to waxing.  I'd have to blow-dry them again anyway.

Waxing dry locks isn't just a good idea - it's damned near the law of physics.  The wax slid off moist hair until I mashed on far more than is good for them, and my next round of blow drying was difficult because the wet hair held the heat, and burned the hell out of scalp whenever I pointed the dryer at any spot for more than about three seconds.

I moved the dryer around a lot, softening but not melting the wax.  My wife noticed, and forced me back into the bathroom where she all but held me down and gave me a stern drying so that I wouldn't look like I was wearing candles on my head.

I think the blisters should be healed any day now.

So what's natural again?

From what I can tell, dreadlock wearers have different opinions about what it takes to have "natural" locks.  Here's the spectrum that I've seen:

• The neglect method:  just leave your hair to its own devices.
• Hands on:  it's okay to braid, backcomb, twist, and rip, but don't put any products in.
• Nature is as nature does:  use of completely natural products (locking agents made from non-iodized sea salt, for example) is okay.
• Nothing nasty:  commercial products are okay if they're not clearly toxic.

What's left that everybody can agree isn't natural?  The dread perm.